For The Record

So. If you look at my blog, you’ll see a long period of inactivity. And there is a reason for it. Here’s the thing, my blog doesn’t have a theme or a specific intention, but when I write, my goal is for every post to have a message; a takeaway… something that will leave you thinking, But lately, I’ve kind of been stuck in my own head.

I haven’t blogged about it, because I myself, haven’t had a breakthrough moment of clarity or “enlightenment” which I can put into perspective  and share with some level of eloquence.

But… I’m just going to write. For me; in the hopes that something might click.

To be blunt, I’ve been sad lately. — It killed me to just write that, because I really do make a conscious effort to be optimistic — but I’ve been sad. And, I really shouldn’t be, because  life is going pretty well. I have a new job which I’m enjoying; I have a handful of really great friends that mean the world to me; I’m fortunate enough to go out and eat at nice restaurants and pretend that I’m fancy for two hours. I don’t have much of a right to be sad.

But I have been. And, I’m warning you now, it’s cliche and eye-roll worthy. Try to stick with me. The fact that I’m 25 and I’ve never had more than two dates is getting to me… in a big way.

I know, you can’t rush relationships; you can’t look for relationships… they will happen when they’re meant to happen. And I completely agree,  It isn’t so much that I’m sad that I don’t have a relationship. I’m sad because I feel unworthy of a relationship.

Having a disability and being bound to a wheelchair has been something I’ve had to continuously learn to accept and embrace, and I can honestly say I have done that. But dealing with my disability in the context of dating has been a far more daunting challenge.

Don’t get me wrong, I have been fortunate enough to have some genuinely amazing dates, with equally amazing men. Considering I didn’t have a single friend until I was 21, that’s a pretty tremendous statement.

But here’s the thing. I don’t even need a hand to count the number of times I’ve been on more than two dates with the same person. The limit exists; the limit is zero.

I know this could be simply because I haven’t found the right guy (I obviously haven’t). And I’m okay with that. What bothers me is that there has been occasions where things have gone very well, but have later fizzled. Granted, this can, and has happened for many reasons, but I can’t help but think, a majority of the time it has to do with the wheelchair and the impact that it has.

And I get it. I’m not at all blind to the fact that it is a major curveball and something not everyone can handle. It is a major challenge. It complicates everything. But there is also far more to me than the overpriced wheelchair that is my permanent accessory. I’m not sad that people don’t see that; I’m sad that they do. I’m sad when I know there’s chemistry and I know everything is going well, yet two weeks later I get a statement like, “You’re a great person, but…” Or better yet, I never hear from them again.

Now, disclaimer; I know this is basically the dating world for everyone. But it hurts a little more when the barrier is something outside of my control.

I’m at the point where I don’t approach any situation as a date. I just meet people and let things happen as they may, And I honestly try not to have any expectations of anything or anyone, but if I’m being completely honest, I don’t know how many more times I can take meeting someone on Tinder, getting to know them, being very transparent about my disability and the challenges it may present, and still have it be an issue in the end.

It hurts.

I know, my happiness should never be dependent on anyone else, but let’s be real… everyone seeks external valediction in one form or another. And everyone wants to have meaning in their  life beyond themselves. That’s where I am.

For the record, writing this has been cathartic.